


The Bake Sale Incident

by DT_Marley



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Attempted Sexual Assault, Dad Egbert is a Good Dad, Domestic Fluff, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-02 08:16:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18807265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DT_Marley/pseuds/DT_Marley
Summary: Bro Strider wants to know: Why did Dad Egbert get banned from the PTA when his looks and baking talent make him the #1 most wanted dad in the class.





	The Bake Sale Incident

**Author's Note:**

> So, this isn't gonna make much sense if you haven't read "talks over drinks". They aren't really consecutive chapters more than really connected stories in a non-sburb AU I like to write with one of my friends. An explanation of some of the tags: I intended this mostly to be kind of a funny anecdote sort of thing, it has a very light tone. However, it does include some serious topics and if that is something that makes you uncomfortable please know that it's there.

“Come on hot stuff, you can’t keep on avoiding it forever.” Bro was sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of beer and an entire pizza box in front of him hot, fresh, and ready to be eaten. His eyes followed the other around the kitchen from behind his shades.

“It’s really not as interesting as you think it is and hardly something you would find entertaining.” Dad stirred a pot on the stove of what dinner was SUPPOSED to be before Bro had walked in with the pizza and beer. “And next time you decide you’re getting dinner, tell me so I don’t start anything.” He had been half way through a particularly complicated pasta sauce and now he HAD to finish it or it would go to waste.

There was an exaggerated sigh from the table, “fine. But you should be thanking me. Kids away, don’t have to make dinner or do dishes, and a whole evening to yourself? You’re welcome.”

“Not really to myself now is it.” Dad turned and folded his arms leaning against the counter and raising an eyebrow at bro. The mischievous smirk that slowly spread across the other’s face was answer enough to that question. “Fine, but I have to finish this.”

“Take your time hot stuff, I’ll just enjoy the view from the back.” Bro leaned back in his chair and slid the shades down slightly.

“You’ll enjoy the view of the back of your eyelids if you say anything like THAT again.” Dad’s eyes narrowed and he scowled at Bro. “now sit at the table like a human so you don’t get pizza grease on the floor, i just washed it earlier this week.”

The smirk was now permanently plastered across bro’s face but he did turn so that he wouldn’t be holding food over the floor. “All I do is call it as I see it. But back to more important matters: Why did some bitch at the pizza place just cuss me out because I mentioned you? Not the usual reception one would expect…?”

“Well we don’t usually get food from there for a good reason. She is in fact a bitch and her husband prefers to listen to lies rather than the truth.” He turned back to his pot on the stove and gave it another stir. “I guess if you really want to know… it can’t hurt.” He shrugged, not like bro would ever meet anyone else involved or anything, right? “It was last year, I guess the wound is still fresh for her…”

.:.

“And that is how we will be raising money for all of the students in Ms. Walter’s class to go to the city for one weekend this upcoming fall.” A woman in a very neat pink dress with that perfect “housewife” hair, shoulder length and combed neatly with a headband, stood in front of the room full of parents. “I see bake sales as the best course of action since most other options are less personal and involve the dear sweet children to take time away from their homework and studies.” She smiled, which was almost scarily perfect, practically lit up the room.

Another mom, dressed more practically in jeans and a nice button up shirt raised her hand, “Susan, I think that's a perfectly lovely idea.”

“Thank you Karen.” Susan smiled as if she already knew it and was just waiting for the rest of the room to catch up to her brilliant plan. The rest of the room nodded along and agreed by murming their support.

“Now we will need a committee to head the bake sale. I have selected those I think would be best for the job. I will be heading the committee, of course, and Karen…. Mary, Judith, Carol, and James.”

There was an awkward pause in the room as the heads of about 10 moms swiveled to look at Dad sitting in the back, still in his work clothes. He hadn’t quite been paying attention since he was tired and still had to make dinner but had no idea what it was going to be. “Yes? Oh.. bake sale, right. I can help with that.”

The heads all turned back to the front. There was an odd silence filled with the sound of polite throat-clearing, skirt rustling, and sideways glances. He was, in fact, the only man in the room. Not many dads signed up to join the PTA and even if they did they never showed up to meetings. Selecting HIM for the bake sale instead of someone more involved? An odd choice.

“Good! And that concludes our meeting for this month. I would like the bake sale team to stay behind a few minutes, we will be having the first one next week and need to take care of some details!” She smiled at the room and moved to pick up her purse from where she’d left it on a desk.

Dad stood and brushed the wrinkles out of his pants and moved to the front, smiling politely and waving goodbye to the others as they went past. He joined the small group at the front of the room  and sat down again, aware of the whispers of the ladies leaving the room and the glances back at the group.

“Now, i know this isn’t the most complicated of events to plan BUT i think we’ll be able to knock it out of the park. I picked you five to work with me because I know you will be capable of it.” she slid into the seat next to Dad and looked around the circle. She was met by a wall of clearly fake smiles. “I’ll be sending out an email for the sign up sheet for who is going to be running the table on what days and you can all put down what you’ll be bringing. Absolutely no repeat baked goods and if you can, please bring two different items. Diversity is important.”

“That seems like a bit much…” Karen raised an eyebrow.

“Does it, Karen? Well how would you like to tell the kids they can’t have what they want because you’re too lazy to support their efforts?” Susan shot back almost instantly.

“We’ll find a way to have enough,” Typical Carol. “As long as we all make sure to do our best it should work out fine and it will raise enough money.”

“That’s the spirit.” Susan gave Carol her most winning smile for that support. “James? Do you think you’ll be able to do that?” She turned the aggressive smile onto him now and blinked her heavily made up eyes at him slowly.

“Oh it won’t be a problem.” he smiled back politely, not exactly noticing her leaning slightly closer to him. “So, parents are running the table?” he glanced around the circle at anyone else.

“Yes. we always do.” Mary sent the short response back from across the circle. “Something you would know if you were more involved.” She sent him a tight close-lipped smile.

Was she… mad? Dad shook off the feeling, he’d always thought he was on good terms with Mary. Apparently not. “Of course, it’s difficult with having to come straight from work--”

“You know, it’s not like you’re the only one that has to do everything on their own.” Judith cut in sharply. “We appreciate you doing what you can. But you're not the ONLY single parent here.” at this Judith looked at Susan. “And Susan, is your husband going to be providing anything from his pizza shop for the table?”

“Of course.” Susan’s friendly mask almost cracked as she responded, “don’t worry.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to imply that--” Dad tried to cut in quickly but was almost immediately talked over.

“Oh good. I have to pick up my kids from the babysitter. I’ll keep an eye out for that email Susan.” Karen stood quickly and gathered her things.

“Well I was just about to end the meeting anyways.” Susan’s eyebrow twitched in annoyance as she stood as well. “Good evening, ladies…. And James.”

Dad stood as well, it was the polite thing to do when a lady stood anyways. He grabbed his jacket and started pulling it on. “Yes, I’ll keep an eye out for the e-mail.” 

The rest of the group gathered their things as well. They all seemed to wait for each other except for Susan and Dad. They all scooted off, clicking down the hall in their heels and whispering between each other.

“James, could I speak with you in private?” She batted her eyelashes at him again.

“Well I don’t see as we have much a choice in the matter.” he sort of laughed but nodded seriously when he noticed she didn’t reciprocate the humor. “What is it, Susan?”

She slowly moved towards the door and motioned for him to follow. “It seems there is a little unrest with my choices for the bake sale committee.” As she spoke she looked at him with her large blue eyes. “Do you think I picked the right people?”

Now Dad frowned, “I wouldn’t consider myself an expert in this… but from what I can tell you chose people who’s snacks go the fastest at meetings. I would say that’s a logical choice.” Though now that it was brought up, he had noticed the unrest. “Are they mad at you?” He held open the door for her as they left the classroom and headed down the hall towards the front of the building.

“Oh you know us women, always finding some reason to hate each other.” she smiled now in her weird aggressive way. “Be careful not to get mixed up in any of our petty drama.”

“Well I don’t think that’s necessarily true. And belittling things to petty drama seems a bit like an oversimplification of actual grievances--” He was cut off by Susan stepping in his path and facing him, making him stop short so they didn’t collide. 

“Be careful is all I’m saying, James.” Her smile faded into something that could be considered closer to gazing intently at something you’d want through a store window. “This class has a lot of single mothers all trying to survive. They’d stop at nothing to have someone like you in their lives again.”

“....Susan.” He stepped backwards and put a comforting one foot of distance between them. “We’re here for our children and their wellbeing. If you think i’m here to use that for my own personal gain… not that a woman is an object to be gained! But I wouldn’t…”

“Of course not.” She cut him off before he could finish. “Well, my husband is here. I’ll see you next week at the table for the bake sale!” She spun on one heel, skirt swirling around her as she sacheted out the front door of the school.”

“But--... ah well.” Dad sighed and left the building as well. The group had always been a bit off balance, especially when he’d joined. There wasn’t a meeting that passed where some mom didn’t accidentally need to bend over in front of him with her low cut shirt on, or have to squeeze past him in the hallway and brush up against him. In fact, it was probably the most pleasant smelling PTA meeting in history with the amount of perfume scents floating around the room. But no one was ever very aggressive about anything. In fact, he suspected that most of them were waiting for HIM to make the first move so they could gloat about being the one chosen. 

He reached his car and climbed in, rubbing his face before turning the car on and driving home. John would expect him soon and he was probably hungry. His son was the most important thing in his life, that was his priority. Romance and all that was… second fiddle at best.

.:.

“Hold up, hold up, Hot stuff.” Bro paused, about to take a bit of the pizza slice he was holding. “Are you telling me that every woman on that PTA has made a pass at you?”

“In some form or another yes, I suppose I can see that now.” Dad was holding a beer bottle, the pizza untouched and the sauce he’d so carefully made cooling down before he packed it away in the fridge. “You see, I don’t think I was really in the mindset of looking for anyone per se. And I hardly think that anyone would WANT to be with—“

“Let me stop you right there. Before we get into so conversation about how you’re nothing more than a stand in mom and all that shit. You’re telling me that this one. The MARRIED one. Singled you out and you still had no idea.” Bro took a sip of his beer and was practically holding in laughter.

Dad paused and took another sip of beer as well. “It’s not really as simple as that Broderick. I thought it was my fault they were all mad. It would be very easy to see why and to understand it.” He really had thought all the looks had been directed his way and he could definitely confirm that some of them were. “I guess what I didn’t notice was the political undercurrent of the whole thing.” He sighed and his cheeks got a little red, “she… she was a very competitive woman.”

There was a long silence from Bro, “they all wanted that classic man act, tight pants, and a ride on the Egbert train. And she got it?”

Now his face DID turn bright red, “my pants are NOT too tight!!! And I don’t know what this ‘Egbert train’ you’re implying is but I--”

“You know exactly what it is.” There was a smirk as he took another sip. “But not the point. So you get stuck in the bake sale group, what of it?”

Dad sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, “well the group wouldn’t have been a problem if she hadn’t put us both together to run the table for the first week. Which of course, as you can imagine, caused some… backlash.”

.:.

“there’s no way this ends well.” Karen looked at carol skeptically. “Not that he’s incapable but… she’s a menace. A monster. She’ll have him for lunch.” She approached the building with her purse in hand at the end of the school day, the first day of the bake sale. 

Carol frowned, “now that’s a bit much. She’s not that bad. I just can’t believe the nerve of her, thinking she can just put us all in our place? She might not have said it but she is pissing on her territory.”

“Carol!! How crass.”

“But true.” Carol stopped and held Karen back by the arm, “you don’t think she didn’t know EXACTLY what she was doing? Those looks? The way she fluttered her Bambi eyes? I just wonder what happened after we all left. Goodness knows she didn’t make the best of her alone time with him. She moves fast, I’ll give her that.”

Karen just nodded in agreement. There was no doubting Susan’s determination when it came to getting what she wanted. She was, in fact, known for running the PTA. “Maybe we’re all overreacting. He is the best baker in the class. We can’t fault him that.” She continued to head on into the school building where the kids were just getting out of class at the end of the day.

The table was already set up and dad was there, still in his work clothes but not his hat. His dark hair combed back all neat and perfect, the dark blue button up shirt spotless and pristine with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows and tucked into gray pants. He glanced up and waved as the moms approached, smiling his ever so warm smile.

“Carol! Karen! Nice to see you.” The polite greeting of course. He had forgotten his run in with Susan the previous week. “Doing well I hope?”

“Oh yes, always nice to see you.” Carol smiled kindly and glanced over the table. “Everything looks just lovely. I’d buy something myself but my figure can’t take the temptation.”

“Oh that’s ridiculous.” Dad frowned, “you look like you could eat a table of baked goods and not gain a single pound!”

“If only, James. If only.” She smiled though. How was it that he put things so nice and looked so nice. 

“No tie today?” Karen raised an eyebrow, she preferred it when it looked like there was something she could grab and hold on to… she blinked and had to refocus before her imagination got the best of her.

“Casual Friday in the office. Not my favorite day but I suppose most people enjoy it.” He shrugged, “casual is completely subjective. But you ladies look wonderful as always.”

“And you’re too nice, as always, James.” Karen smiled, that fantasy could wait. 

The pleasant conversation came to an awkward halt as Susan walked back over with a box of plastic bags. “Ladies, how nice to see you.” Her voice had an odd tone to it. Half friendly and half something else. She moved behind the table and put the box down moving in close to Dad, even brushing his arm.

“Ah Susan, you found the sandwich bags in the teachers lounge? Perfect.” He sat down and started organizing some plates. He’d brought brownies and pastries. “They were just saying how nice everything looks, all thanks to you.”

“Yes. All thanks to our TEAM’S hard work. No one should take individual credit.” She raised an eyebrow at the two ladies in front of her, face dripping with disdain. “Kids will be here soon. Best not be in the way.”

Carol sniffed and smoothed out her clothes. “Of course. Susan, James, Karen.” She nodded at them each and went on her way. 

Karen blinked in surprise, “yes… out of the way… of course.” She shook her head and went her own way. 

“That wasn’t very nice, Susan. They were just saying hello and seeing how things turned out.” Dad frowned and looked up from where he’d started counting out cash for the cash box.

Susan sat down, her face back to the picture of angelic perfection, “they are a distraction, James. They said their hello’s. But when the stampede of hungry kids roll in all they Will be is in the way.” She tilted her head to the side and brushed and imaginary piece of lint off his sweater, “besides, it’s time for the sale to begin.” 

Right as she spoke the classroom doors opened and kids came pouring out and flooding the table. Dad barely had time to respond before he was overwhelmed by children throwing crumpled and greasy dollars at the table and grabbing bags of baked goods.

The bake sale was a smashing success on its first day. In under an hour they were completely sold out of everything. It was like a swarm of vultures had attacked a pile of carrion and left only a pile of bones, and two bewildered parents sitting at an empty table.

“I think that was…. that went well.” Dad rubbed the sides of his head, in the process of the sale his top button had come undone and his hair had fallen from perfection into a tousled mess. The kids had been… shockingly aggressive. 

“Yes. It was.” Susan sighed, she somehow had managed to look like she’s just stepped out of the house ready to go. Not a hair out of place. But she was used to this sort of thing, she was the head of the PTA afterall. “We best clean up before it gets too late.”

The school already felt empty. Teachers were still there finishing up the day, of course, but the halls had an ominous and cavernous feeling. A bit unnerving. They quickly cleaned up the trash and got the money packed away and counted. They didn’t speak much and dad hadn’t noticed the glances Susan was throwing at him. He was blissfully unaware and ready to go home. Everything was packed away smoothly until all that was left was the fold up table and chairs.

“Well I can carry it back to the janitor’s closet if you hold open doors and carry chairs.” He stretched his arms.

“I think I can handle that.” Susan smiled and picked up the chairs.

Dad gently tipped the table over and folded the legs in then grabbed the side, lifting it off the floor, his forearms flexing from the weight of the surprisingly heavy table. “Lead the way”

Susan’s eyebrow twitched at the sight then she turned and headed down the hallway without another word. 

They found the closet and got all the borrowed furniture put back into its place and out of the way. The closet was fairly dark, the only light coming from a single bulb hanging on a wire from the ceiling. The floor was dusty and the whole room smelled a little but like old lint and dirt.

Susan moved to the door first before pausing with her hand over the knob. “Things went well today, don’t you think?”

“Yes.” He frowned, “it was very… well, tiring. I’m looking forward to getting home.”

“I suppose. I find them energizing. I’m ready to go another round!” She turned around and leaned against the door. “Someone like you would understand. You clearly enjoy a healthy amount of exercise, lifting that table all by yourself.” She allowed herself that same expression of sultry yearning as she reached up and slowly undid the top button on her blouse. “Nothing like sweating together… since it’s such hard work.”

Well that was not what he’d expected. “Ah, i’d still rather get home.” He moved toward the door, reaching for the knob himself. 

“Are you saying you don’t? I hardly believe you’re one to shy away from work.” She managed to shove herself in between him and the door while simultaneously managing to grab his waist at the same time. “Did you enjoy yourself today?”

Dad was not expecting her action and was doing his best to try and very gently pry her off while simultaneously not touch the woman at the same time. “Yes… I… Susan, please let go. This is very inappropriate behavior.”

“James. Really? Are you saying this isn’t the whole reason you joined our group? No single man joins a group of single and desperate mothers without doing some window shopping.” She leaned against him more, wrapping one arm around his neck and undoing the second button on his shirt with her other hand, running her fingers lightly down to the next one, letting her fingertips brush across his chest.

“NO!!!” He was running out of options, trying to move backwards. “Window shopping?! That’s! Susan you are MARRIED.” The door was getting farther away and he gave it a desperate look as he kept moving backwards as much as she kept pushing forwards until he felt his back hit the wall. “Look, you don’t want to ruin that, if you’re feeling unhappy with your marriage maybe you should get some—“

She planted a kiss on his mouth, held it there for a very long time before pulling back. “Oh stop thinking so much and just enjoy it. We both know I’m the best option.”

Now he scowled. Glared. Set his jaw. He didn’t want to but she was pushing his patience. “GET. OFF. NOW.” He managed to grab her shoulders and peel her off of him, holding her about an arms length away. “stop this. Susan, I don’t know what you think you’re doing or why this is a good idea.” He shook his head, “I am NOT interested in anything of the sort! And if you would kindly button up your shirt and remove yourself from this closet! I would LIKE TO GO HOME!”

Her perfect face snarled for about half a second before she shook his hands off and stepped forward again. This time he dodged but she was ready. She managed grab one hand and the front of his shirt, swapping places and forcing him off balance so he fell forward and had to catch himself on the wall. He looked down, their eyes locking as she kept her grip tight, keeping him from moving away. 

“Susan?” A new voice entered the room.

Dad froze. He was smart enough to know what this looked like from the outside. He pushed himself off and stepped back a few feet, relieved from the space.

“Egbert? What are you doing.” It wasn’t so much of a question so much as a demand. “What are you doing with my WIFE.”

“Oh, sweetie…. he just came at me!” Susan’s face switched to one of pure fear. “Thank goodness you showed up!” 

Dad turned to look at the large burly man who still had the remnants of flour leftover from making pizza on him. “No… that’s not what happened… I assure you I don’t even—“

“Look here Egbert.” The voice was deep and menacing. “You’ve been making passes at my wife for a while now and then this.” He moved forward and waved at his wife to move out of the way. 

Susan stepped around him and stood behind her husband, smirking a little bit now that he couldn’t see her face. She did her buttons back up and stepped towards the door.

“I didn’t! Wait? What?! No!! I haven’t done anything of the sort!!” Now he was backed against the wall again, the large man getting closer and closer.

“I always knew that “nice guy” act was just an act. You’ve been trying to get up her skirts since the beginning! You lying piece of shit!!”

“I don’t even… no!!” He hated the feeling of the cement wall, he glanced at susan and saw the smirk. “She—…”

“Oh she was asking for it? Is that it?” His arm shot out and grabbed the front of dad’s shirt roughly.

“That’s not what I was—!” He stopped the moment he felt his shirt get pulled.

“Shut up. Or I’ll make you.”

“Is that a threat.” Dad frowned, “please, we can talk about this. It’s all a misunder—“ next thing he knew a fist hit him in the face, his head hit the wall and he slid to the floor. It all happened very fast. When he blinked he wasn’t sure if he was unconscious or they’d turned the lights out and closed the door. 

.:.

“And safe to say after that I was off the bake sale committee and not exactly welcome at the PTA meetings anymore.” He sighed and looked at the empty pizza box and two empty bottles. “Her husband sometimes drives past the house really slowly.”

Bro was grinning stupidly. “Holy shit, hot stuff.” I’m surprised he didn’t poison the food.” He leaned back in his chair.

“Well…. honestly same.” he shrugged and started cleaning up the bottles. “Suffice it to say, I’m not welcome to many school events. Word gets around and of course since I clearly made a move on her the other ladies won’t try and fight her, regardless of it working out or not.” He shrugged, “not that it matters.”

Bro stood as well and grabbed the box and the paper plates. “Surprised. Mostly because you couldn’t see it coming. Honestly do you live your life with blinders on???” He raised an eyebrow.

“No, I…. I just don’t like to assume anything about people’s intentions without a good reason. I can’t live being suspicious and doubtful…”

“You can at least learn to read the signs. Dammit, Egbert. You could have the best match in front of you, giving all the signs, playing the long game and you STILL wouldn’t notice would you?”

Dad rolled his eyes, “no. Strider.” He leaned against the wall and folded his arms, “I am aware of signs and signals.”

“Sure you are, and I’m a virgin.” He snorted at his own joke and stretched, “its late. I have videos to make. Later, hot stuff.” He smirked and headed towards the door to the basement.

“Goodnight Broderick.” He shook his head and went back to cleaning the kitchen, smiling to himself a little bit. He was certainly… interesting.

  
  
  



End file.
